I can never concede to that question comfortably. Introductions always go the way of the polite Salaams/Hellos, how are you. But no matter how frequently I am asked .. "..your name is?", the question always catches me by surprise. "My name is Goolam." he uttered bashfully. I think it's because the conversation slips from impersonal and polite into the very personal. Suddenly I find myself exposed screamingout from under breath "please don't hate me ekse".
Besides that, my name is a little old fashioned, it also generates a certain amount of disdain. Goolams of the Indian Muslim community are the equivalents of other cultures Emmanuel's, Abraham's, Vikram's. We kind of fade into images of well-meaning uncles and mild-mannered bystanders. Not typically envied by men and hardly ever admired by women. The way of the Goolams. I've actually been told on more than one occassion that Goolam means "boy" which has its own South African context of gardener/servant. I've also been told a few guys that its either their favourite curse word or their pet monsters name. I make sure those guys hate me by the end of that introduction.
Of course its not true of my friends and family experiences of me. Their experience of this Goolam is somewhere between harsh and objective cynicism and asinine banter. A therapist would say that I'm sexually frustrated and utterly lazy. Most moulanas would categorise me as antsy and confused. I've been described as both vindictive and fuck-up. I've also been called "intense" aka "stfu dude", empathetic .. though hardly ever sympathetic.
I am not a saint. I am not a martyr. I am not a bad boy. I am just trying to string it all together into cohesive story and turn it into a defendable life. And quite frankly, that is the continually evolving challenge of my life. I'm not doing very well
Did I start talking about myself? As blogs go, I don't know how much I can presume to say about God or science or politics or soul-sick eternally-lost human beings. Those that I've tried always seemed a little less honest and a little too grunge. Maybe writing about who I am is the most humble thing I can do. Do I pretend to write for an audience or do I just write for myself? Writing is cathartic you know. It can also be a way of saying "Here I am, I never lied about myself". Hold me accountable. If theres some way of being better, take it from the weaknesses in who I am. Be truthful with me and be sincere. Having said that, does Jack Nicholson think I can handle the truth? Do you think I can handle the sincerity?
